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August 26 随笔：听雨（20070826） 从早上开始便下着淅淅沥沥的小雨。
邮寄完东西回到熟悉的院子里，忽然闪过了一个念头，没有回家，而是撑伞径直走往荷花池。已经忘记了有多长时间没有很放松的到湖边坐坐了。都不记得今年的荷花是何时开何时败的！
只看到在今天这柔柔的细雨中，满池的荷花只余下一朵，在池中央，有些孤独的绽放着。看着雨落在荷叶上，凝集成水珠，积少成多，再慢慢的从绿色的叶上滑落下来，落在池水中，伴着落下的雨水，在池中化成一个又一个涟漪……
倒影在池水中被敲击成一个又一个摇晃的波光粼粼。往事也如同水妖一样借机想钻出来探个究竟！
看见亭子里一对年轻的恋人，女子的长发被这秋风吹起，飘在男子的肩上，很惬意的感觉！不记得自己上一次这样的感受是在什么时候了，好象已经是很久以前的记忆了！有点想念从前跟朋友一起在这里度过的青春……一起撑着荷叶过小桥，戏称那是“断桥相会”，一起在池边看书背课文，一起在小径上打球，一起用野花野草做头饰，一起钓鱼聊天……瞬间，有关年少时的时光印记都涌现在脑海中！一抹怀念的感情浮现于心中……
撑伞站在池边，默默的，只为听一听雨落的声音，滴滴答答，任凭这雨声将心绪敲得零乱不堪！
过往的情怀，一幕幕，电影般的将心情如故事一样的表述出来！其实是应该感谢的。身边出现过的一个又一个身影，从陌生到熟悉，再从熟悉到陌生，周而复始，从未停下脚步！爱过的，伤害过的；相聚过的，离开过的……
静静想下来，也许真的是辜负了一段美好的时光吧！心中的伤痕在雨天隐隐作痛。大伤，小伤；重伤，轻伤！
也许有人会说，这是个伤春悲秋的借口，没有真正经历过什么的感情，谈不上是多深的伤害！可是，付出了的真心，会这样轻浮于岁月的落寞中吗？
转身离开这片雨中的荷花池，想把这雨声，这荷花，这池水，连同自己的感情，自己的伤痛，统统遗留在身后！
出院门前，身边掠过一片又一片的树丛，于是还是停下了脚步，随手摘下一枝绿色的叶。拿在手中，仿佛感受到了一股生命的力量，只是我知道，这片叶，离开树，便意味着枯萎、死亡……
叶落了，风凉了，花谢了，心枯了……
有时候想想真是一种讽刺吧，总是期待着拥有一份真爱，温暖着彼此的心灵。可是，从冬季走到春天，便结束了行程。于是，落泪了！徒有着一颗真心，徒有着一抹微笑，却不知道，这颗心里已经装不下任何感情，这抹微笑已经见不到任何爱人！
彼此靠近，彼此拥抱，彼此取暖……
然而，当所有的一切被风吹乱之后，才意识到，原来都是梦一样的幻影，因为我们和其他人都一样，都生活在自己的梦里……
August 19 2007七夕情人节 当午夜的时钟由8月18日跳动至19日的时候，安静中迎来了2007年的七夕情人节。不知道从哪一年开始，中国开始这般宣传属于自己本土的情人节的。但这似乎并不重要，重要的是情人、爱人之间又多了一次互相表白爱意的机会！想来，应该也是很甜蜜的一件事情吧！
最近认识的朋友总是尝试着让我哭泣，用他选的歌曲，用他那有磁性的声音，用他的话语……因为他说，对于过去的感情，如果可以痛痛快快的哭出来，就会让自己更加从容的迎接新的感情，算是一种新的开始吧！或许他说的话是对的，可是，于我，却并不全是同样的感受。不是没有哭过，还清晰的记得那份心碎的痛，可是当眼泪不住的流下来的时候，我只是觉得自己很可怜。也许梨花带雨也是一种美，但是却让我觉得自己很不值得！为了一个根本不爱自己的人哭泣，不值得！就象是朋友曾经对我说过的：“他不配！”……
眼泪或许可以溶化一颗心，但却不是在一个人独自落泪的时候！象是那句话说的吧：真正爱你的人，不会让你流泪！ 对于曾经的他，有一抹淡淡的想念与祝福，偶尔还是会回想起在UK的时候，他陪着我、我陪着他的那段美丽的时光，只是时间从我们身边走过，如今看着其他人围绕在他的周围，他也许根本就没有时间再想起我了吧，也许已经把曾经的那抹记忆忘掉了吧？感觉到那份无奈，也感觉到一切再也回不去了……
七夕情人节，又是一个人过的节日，抬手看了看手上戴的戒指，脑中忽然空荡荡的，心中随之也是空荡荡的。原来，失去一份感情是这样的… 突然很想念在UK生活时的一切！也许是因为那时候一个人的状态是可以接受的，而如今，一个人是不太能接受吧。其实，我也说不清。
听着广播里传来那一首首熟悉的歌，或快乐、或悲伤，点点音符敲着内心里最敏感的角落……
August 08 Sun-Rain Today is the day that people know autumn is coming, and thanks for the rain last night, the temperature here is finally getting down. It's raining right now outside, rains cats and dogs, from which people can feel the touch of autumn. So lovely~
It's been hanging around online less often than before, especially in rooms. Most of the time, I just log on and just hang there without talk to anyone. Yesterday evening, occasionally I came across an old friend in one room, when he's prepared to sing in order to celebrate someone else's birthday. I sit down and listened to all his singing, good ones actually. However, suddently there was an idea, or a question, I may say, just occured into my mind, so I asked him that whether he ever knew the date of my birthday. After a while, he replied. No is his answer. My mind went blank when I saw his word. It's always hard to believe that someone who we wanna care a lot doesn't really care about us. Back to the period when he and I used to spend a lot time hanging around together online, he even didn't ask me about my stuff, but I do know his, well, as if what he told me is true. At least, I know his birthday and sing to him to celebrate every year! But let's see what I've got here? No, just one word from his side to explain all things, all emotions and all feelings... Disappointed, then I gave up the chance to sing in room because that I didn't have any mood to stay in the same room at that time, so I thought maybe the best way for me is just to quit the room and let him enjoy being together with his friends, excluding me in his heart...
Althought it's getting late in the night, but I still didn't feel sleepy. I turned on the music in my pc, tried to do some reading, but it didn't work! Everything in my mind is about emotions, stories, feelings, sweet words and even lies... People always say that only if you come over something and look it back, then you may find the key you ever consider. That might be the reason why I picked up some old memories of people or of things... The fog of life is getting thicker, but still something out there is turning to be clear. It's not easy to declair that it's been joke during so much time, is it? Sigh... Life is sometimes behaving that way, naughty as a teenager, sweet as a little girl, sucks as an adult!
 Perhaps people who lives in this planet like wearing mask so much that they don't even know which one is the real part of themselves. When we human beings feel angry, we wear the mask of being smily to others, hopefully which could help us get away from the pain of being hurt or betrayed. But what do we finally get? Only more disappointed or even frastrated, there would be no more trust, no more respect, no more fancy... everything just turns to be uninteresting, there might be no fun. When we wish to destroy someone from the bottom of our hearts, we can forget the rules so easily. We shouted quietly in heart that someone could be just no more fine. Even worse, we might wish that someone would suffer the pain as much as we did, would get the hurt as heavy as we did, would break down to earth from then on and never had the opportunity to get over... We may wish many things, many situations to make their world damaged into pieces, as if only that happened, we could get joy. What's the fact then? Even the time when we know that all the wishes did happen to them, we still can't feel the happyness. Why?
There are always many questions struggling within our head, we hope to know every detail of this world, how it works on us, how to manage it instead of being controlled, or how to make this damn surroundings turn into a better way... We may cry when we are sad, we may get worried when we are upset, we may yell to the one beloved when we are angry, or even we may throw things when we are frastrated. For me, that doesn't matter so much in case of having someone beloved around in life. I still can't help thinking of emotion world here, sigh... It's always good to know that someone love us. But as that there's nothing perfect in this world, most of the time, the one who told you that he love you may not be the one who you hope to say those words to you. That's the conflict of life! If we decide to still live in this earth, we have to obbey this rule, more or less... No matter what dream we really want, no matter which person we really want, no matter which kinda living conditions we really want, we have to follow some rule, just in order to get a better feeling about life.
Life is a weird journey, and it's a single trip, once we buy the ticket, we can't return it forever, the only way is to get on the trip and try to enjoy ourselves during the whole time!
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